This is the story of how I have been cured of desire. I mean in the sense of having any desire whatsoever to date men. I no longer require male attention. I no longer need the company of a man. I have no desire for social interaction with men. Here is how it went down:
Dating experience #1: Coffee with strange man.
My entre into the dating scene after the demise of my last relationship can be summed up in one phrase:
He took it out. Indeed. In broad daylight at a coffee shop. Yeah. I left. I wanted to yell, "I'm OUT!" but I was able to refrain as I didn't want to encourage a scene of any kind after he proved himself brave enough to take it out - figured I shouldn't push it with the crazy. I stood up quietly and walked out to my car and drove away. Fin.
If that wasn't bad enough - I pressed on... with a different man, of course - because, seriously? Um, no.
Dating experience #2: DJ Yogi in the sticks.
After numerous all-night conversations and hours-upon-hours of texting, IM'ing, emails and phone calls at all hours of the day and night...I got brave and decided to make the drive up to the middle of nowhere out in the sticks. If you have any knowledge of my automobile, this was a braver than average move. Add to that the fact that it was SNOWING - yes, snowing in a blizzard-like-fashion - making the drive twice as long as it typically would have been. SNOWING. I had already driven over 60 miles at this point and the idea of turning around seemed even more ridiculous than just going the rest of the way - about 20 more miles - in the dark, in the snow - still - I couldn't fathom the turning back thing at that point. According to DJ Yogi (barely out of a marriage), I was far too hesitant for our first meeting. Even after I spent the evening with this fine gentleman, he found my apprehension - my hesitance to fully surrender myself to a person I had only met a few hours prior - a big turnoff for him. I'm going to cut this portion of the story short and allow myself to sum up by leaving a short list:
- Sikhism is a beautiful thing.
- Shoe fetish.
- Magic lotion.
- Some people demand perfection; I don't deliver.
Dating experience #3: Love at first sight OR Unrequited love is for STUPID PEOPLE (like me)
Meet single-dad for coffee. He and I have been talking to one another for just a few DAYS. In person he is even MORE attractive than I thought he'd be - I'm talking exponentially hotter than I ever imagined he could be. He's incredibly tall and makes amazing eye contact with me. Everything about our conversation from the eye contact to the intellectual content to the body language is INTENSE.
I am so attracted to this man; and we seem to be mutually connecting - it's incredible. I am flying high. He walks me out to my car. Within moments of driving away, he calls my mobile and tells me he wants to see me again. He says, he hopes he is not being too forward, but he'd like to make dinner for me and watch a movie with me - Mostly Martha - a German film. We have similar taste in food, literature, film. We have similar philosophies about parenting, life, love. It all seemed to CLICK in a way I have never CLICKED with anyone before - well, in a way I never imagined I could click with anyone EVER - seriously. I was so euphoric I was scaring myself. (Red flag, perhaps? Oh, no, not for ME.) 4 days later I see him at his apartment - we had been chatting online and my kids were with their dad and he had just put his 2 kids to bed and I happened - by sheer coincidence - to be at a wi-fi hotspot cafe only blocks away from his apartment - I had no idea where he lived before that evening. He invited me over - to talk. He had a refrigerator magnet that was a small metal container with a window in the lid - inside it were threads of saffron. Boxes of tea and spice jars were scattered on the countertops in his kitchen. The sink held quite a few dirty dishes. The entire apartment was in a state of general disarray. Single parenthood being what it is, and having first-hand knowledge of such, I did not judge him in the least by the state of his apartment. We sat together on his living room couch and talked and then we stared into one another's eyes for a time and then kissed. I've never been kissed with such passion. NEVER. I still cannot believe I had to wait until I was 37 years old to be kissed like that. It was seriously worth the wait, though. I'm not even being the tiniest bit sarcastic. Oh. My. God. Incredible. I could easily wax poetic about just the kissing for so long that I'd lose 100% of my vox-readers. Yes, truly, all 3 of you would go away and never come back - so I'll move on... Basically - what I learned from this experience is that even when I think I am dialing it down a notch, I am still WAY more than most men can handle. And I was dialing it down more than just a few notches in this case - I was holding back like nobody's business.
Here we insert a LONG break - during which I met and messed around with a few men but never even considered any type of emotional investment with ANY of them.
Dating experience #4: Virgin Wool Knitter (cotton-blend, really - but you'll get my meaning)
We meet for "milkshakes" - although I had an old-fashioned phosphate soda - cherry - at a retro-diner type place in-town. Nice man. A little shy for my taste. Reminds me a bit of my first husband - the engineer. We talk a few hours and agree to meet again.
About a week later we meet for dinner in Nob Hill. He brings me a rose. I'm simultaneously charmed and turned off by the gesture. (This makes me a total jerk. I know.) We share a pizza. Afterwards he suggests gelato. There's a funky little place about a block away with awesomely weird flavor combinations to where we walk over and have gelato. He's a perfect gentleman. Oh, I skipped the part about how I fell asleep in the afternoon and was an HOUR late for dinner with him. He was totally sweet and understanding about the whole thing - and never mentioned it again. I am a TOTAL JERK. I know. We talked a lot about college - courses we had both taken in college - and about physics and stuff like that. Nice conversation. No chemistry between us - but I totally enjoy his company and friendship - very easy and relaxed. Total platonic vibe. We part ways and as I am driving home I have a light-bulb moment: HE IS A VIRGIN. A 40-something-year-old-virgin - and I am SURE of it.
He calls me 2 weeks later - I had my kids the following week - and invites me to go to dinner and a movie. We agree on the new Batman movie and I kind of geek out over the idea of actually seeing it in the theater. I am a major fan of Christian Bale in EVERYTHING he has done and especially fond of him as Batman in Batman Begins so I know I'm going to love this one. Anyway - the night of "the date" arrives and I actually wore a dress. This is shocking for two reasons: I rarely wear dresses. I knew that the vibe was strictly platonic, but I wanted to throw the virgin a bone because, obviously, no one else has and he is a SUPER nice guy - so I'm taking a break from being weird and stand-offish and I'm trying to act like a "typical girl" for once. Movie is excellent, however, very dark and kind of depressing (in my opinion). Dinner afterwards at Bennigan's. Conversation again about college, classes, friends, etc. and work. Some talk even about high school - interesting - not terribly enlightening or revealing in either my case or his. After dinner he takes me home and insists on getting my door for me - he walks me up the driveway and we kiss before I go inside. All very innocent and civilized. I begin to think that maybe I could like this guy more than I originally thought.
Next day I call to thank him for the date. We talk about the fact that neither of us has plans for the evening and I go out on a limb and invite him to dinner. Thinking that surely, if this guy is really NOT a virgin (and I'm just being obnoxiously judgmental - which is a distinct possiblity) SOMETHING is going to happen if I invite him to my house and make him dinner, right? He comes over with dvd's in-hand. I make dinner - simple baked chicken and salad and some garlic-butter biscuits. We eat and put the movie on - Knocked Up. Funny.
There a few slightly uncomfortable moments in the film - uncomfortable because - well - from the title I'm sure you can guess. But, then, really, it's funny and sweet for the most part and usually I am not at ALL embarassed by any kind of sexual humor - or sexual anything, really, to be honest - but in this case, I am feeling slightly uncomfortable. I also find it ironic that the male lead in this film plays a character in "The Forty-Year-Old Virgin." Uh huh. So...
After the movie - it's pretty late - after 10 and I'm feelin' sleepy after a day full of housework - took advantage of a kid-free weekend and actually DID some shit around the house that needed to be done. And, so, I am picking things up and preparing to send him off and he says, "Oh - I have something for you - I'll be right back!" He goes out to his car and returns within 2 mintues - holding TWO HANDKNITTED WASHCLOTHS - one yellow and green, the other blue and purple. He places them in my hand, "I knitted these for you. I knit." He grins sheepishly and I am so completely speechless in this moment that all I could do was say, "Wow. Thanks." I had no other words - because really I wanted to say, "Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?" But that would have revealed to him INSTANTLY that I AM A TOTAL JERK. So - I smiled and told him I really enjoyed his company this evening. We hugged and he left. I locked the door and went to bed. Still in shock over the KNITTING portion of the evening. I'm not saying there is ANYTHING at all wrong with a guy knitting. In fact, a man who knits could TOTALLY be a turn-on - it's kinda hot, as a matter of fact - it was just the whole presentation of the two "washcloths" that was such a surprise - I had no response - neither emotional nor intellectual - to such a scenario. I was hoping for sex and I GOT WASHCLOTHS. Yes. That is WAY TOO MUCH TO PROCESS. I know. For a moment I felt like my life is a bad 1990's sit-com. Not near the quality of Seinfeld - but attempting to rip off the non-content humor of Seinfeld. Nothing happens, but it feels so real. Almost like real-life. Uh huh. You WISH your life was this full of THE FUNNY. Don't you? No. How COULD you?
Also: I am a total jerk.
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