5 posts tagged “life”

Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE should read this.  The Bhutanese people - the most beautiful people I've EVER seen or heard of.  EVER.

Read this article from 2002.  I watched a PBS FRONTLINE program on Bhutan tonight and was brought to tears by the sheer beauty of this country, its culture and government - the 4th King of Bhutan coined the term Gross National Happiness.

http://www.pbs.org/frontlineworld/stories/bhutan/gnh.html

So, now I want to renounce materialism, move into the wildernesss, build a yurt and live off-grid - with chickens, goats, solar and wind-power.  Was I born too late, or too soon - or just in the wrong place?  Hard to say.   Maybe I can't change the world, but I can make some small part of it more beautiful for a little while.  I really hope you will read the article I linked above.

EIGHT PRINCIPLES DOT COM

 

 

Dear Father of my children, Man with whom I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life - you know who you are -

 

I know you sometimes read my blog, here.  That's okay.  I stopped minding that a while ago.  I appreciate that you do not attempt to discuss with me anything you have read here over the past 2 years.  I know you know how I feel about that.  You know that I need outlets and that I like getting feedback from my scattered internets friends - so making everything here private is not an easy thing for me to do - though I have done that with the writing that could stir controversey on a personal level between us.  I keep a lot of things to myself, as well.  I practice this moreso now than ever - and you know me better than anyone on the planet, so I know you are aware of how difficult a thing that is for me to do. 

 

So, today I'm actually writing this because I want you to read these words.  These words (and this song) are for you...

 

I stopped believing that any kind of reconciliation would be possible for us quite some time ago.  I know you have moved on.  You have been in a relationship with someone else for some time.  Yet, somehow I never really managed to let go. 

 

You're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go - the one thing I know is that you're keeping me down - you're keeping me down. 

 

This time of year is always difficult for me.  I can't help but think about our last few weeks together.  That early Spring morning when it was frigid and snowing and we made our last trip to the market together.  I think I cried in every aisle of the store as you pushed the cart, the kids riding and getting buried in the basket under the items you took from the shelves.  I remember that day with such palpable, breathtaking accuracy - it hurts sharply.  Makes me wish my memory was not so vivid.  

 

The truth is that I am so broken - two years after the end of our relationship, I feel no more healed than I did when it was fresh - in fact, I think I feel less capable and less healthy; more lonely and in more pain. 

 

I will always be grateful to you for being the foundation of love and care and stability for the children that you are.  You are stronger than I ever hoped you could be.   I did not believe I could recover from it.  When I dream that we are still living in our home at La Luz and I wake up alone in a hotel room and see the photo frames of the children on the desk across the room, I feel like I can't breathe.  My heart stops and I pray for sleep to return so that I can go back into the dream where we are all together; in our home on a summer morning, flitting around the kitchen laughing and smiling, listening to music, washing dishes, planning an afternoon poolside and looking forward to an evening alone together after the kids fall asleep; sitting on the back patio under the stars enjoying a drink together, both of us barefoot.  I can still feel the warm skin of your forearm where I used to stroke it and make you smile.  You always smiled and said, "I love your touch."

It was so difficult - and once felt impossible - that I might ever desire similar moments of tenderness with anyone else.  I know it is time to let go.

There was one night during the "negotiating" phase of our breakup when we sat in the living room and you surprised me by playing John Mayer's Continuum cd - which you had just purchased on iTunes - for me.  Earlier that week we had an argument about how I felt you were always critical of the things I loved - and you seized an opportunity to show me that you cared about the music I loved even if you didn't like it as much, you were willing to experience it with me.  Thank you for doing that.

I'm sorry it took me so long to get over you.  I'm sorry that it placed even MORE strain on our difficult parenting relationship.  But I am better now.

 

 A lot has changed since I originally wrote this over 6 months ago.  I have decided to leave the post alone for the most part, except to add that I really DID find writing this therapeutic and I really HAVE moved on, healed, gotten better and gotten over you.  I do still appreciate everything you have done and continue to do for the children - they adore you and I thank you.    I no longer suffer the pangs of regret and sadness I wrote about above - and for that I am grateful and at peace.  I have completely new and not altogether dissimilar moments of tenderness with my new love, but that neither negates nor diminishes what you and I shared.  And I am so grateful for what we had because it helped to make me who I am today - and I am so very loved and so very happy just as I am.  

Ten random things that make me smile:

 

1. The Killer Rabbit from Monty Python & the Holy Grail

2. The music of The Unicorns - especially this lyric:

We are the Unicorns.

We're more than just horses.

3. Putting on my favorite white blouse fresh out of the dryer

4. A full tank of petrol in my auto

5. Trader Joe's Hummus & Sea Salt Pita Chips

6. Thinking about walking barefoot on the hardwood floors in my own apartment

7. The Promise by Tracy Chapman

8. Memories of my first boyfriend, Marcus

9. Reconnecting with old girlfriends from high school

10. Memories of the SHORE (Jersey Shore - the Atlantic Ocean - Stone Harbor, specifically, Ocean City and Cape May, too!)

 

 

Remembering

Your touch

Your kiss

Your warm embrace

I'll find my way

Back to you

Please say

You'll be waiting.

...

Say you'll hold

A place

For me

In your heart.

 

 

In a moment

Everything can change

Feel the wind on your shoulders

For a minute, all the world can wait

Let go of your yesterday.

 

Can you hear it calling?

Can you feel it in your soul?

Can you trust this longing?

Then, take control!

Fly!

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away.

You can shine!

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

and start to try,

'Cause it's your time -

Time to fly!

 

All your worries-

leave them somewhere else

Find a dream you can follow

Reach for something

When there's nothing left

and the world's feeling hollow.

 

Can you hear it calling?

Can you feel it in your soul?

Can you trust this longing?

Then, take control!

Fly!

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away.

You can shine!

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

and start to try,

'Cause it's your time -

Time to fly!

 

And when you're down and feeling low -

and you just wanna walk away -

trust yourself and don't give up.

You know you're better than anyone else

 

In a moment

Everything can change

Feel the wind on your shoulder

For a minute

All the world can wait

Let go of yesterday

FLY!

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away.

You can SHINE!

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

And start to try.

It's your time -

Time to fly.

 

In a moment - everything can change.