10 posts tagged “love”

Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE should read this.  The Bhutanese people - the most beautiful people I've EVER seen or heard of.  EVER.

Read this article from 2002.  I watched a PBS FRONTLINE program on Bhutan tonight and was brought to tears by the sheer beauty of this country, its culture and government - the 4th King of Bhutan coined the term Gross National Happiness.

http://www.pbs.org/frontlineworld/stories/bhutan/gnh.html

So, now I want to renounce materialism, move into the wildernesss, build a yurt and live off-grid - with chickens, goats, solar and wind-power.  Was I born too late, or too soon - or just in the wrong place?  Hard to say.   Maybe I can't change the world, but I can make some small part of it more beautiful for a little while.  I really hope you will read the article I linked above.

EIGHT PRINCIPLES DOT COM

 

 

Dear Father of my children, Man with whom I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life - you know who you are -

 

I know you sometimes read my blog, here.  That's okay.  I stopped minding that a while ago.  I appreciate that you do not attempt to discuss with me anything you have read here over the past 2 years.  I know you know how I feel about that.  You know that I need outlets and that I like getting feedback from my scattered internets friends - so making everything here private is not an easy thing for me to do - though I have done that with the writing that could stir controversey on a personal level between us.  I keep a lot of things to myself, as well.  I practice this moreso now than ever - and you know me better than anyone on the planet, so I know you are aware of how difficult a thing that is for me to do. 

 

So, today I'm actually writing this because I want you to read these words.  These words (and this song) are for you...

 

I stopped believing that any kind of reconciliation would be possible for us quite some time ago.  I know you have moved on.  You have been in a relationship with someone else for some time.  Yet, somehow I never really managed to let go. 

 

You're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go - the one thing I know is that you're keeping me down - you're keeping me down. 

 

This time of year is always difficult for me.  I can't help but think about our last few weeks together.  That early Spring morning when it was frigid and snowing and we made our last trip to the market together.  I think I cried in every aisle of the store as you pushed the cart, the kids riding and getting buried in the basket under the items you took from the shelves.  I remember that day with such palpable, breathtaking accuracy - it hurts sharply.  Makes me wish my memory was not so vivid.  

 

The truth is that I am so broken - two years after the end of our relationship, I feel no more healed than I did when it was fresh - in fact, I think I feel less capable and less healthy; more lonely and in more pain. 

 

I will always be grateful to you for being the foundation of love and care and stability for the children that you are.  You are stronger than I ever hoped you could be.   I did not believe I could recover from it.  When I dream that we are still living in our home at La Luz and I wake up alone in a hotel room and see the photo frames of the children on the desk across the room, I feel like I can't breathe.  My heart stops and I pray for sleep to return so that I can go back into the dream where we are all together; in our home on a summer morning, flitting around the kitchen laughing and smiling, listening to music, washing dishes, planning an afternoon poolside and looking forward to an evening alone together after the kids fall asleep; sitting on the back patio under the stars enjoying a drink together, both of us barefoot.  I can still feel the warm skin of your forearm where I used to stroke it and make you smile.  You always smiled and said, "I love your touch."

It was so difficult - and once felt impossible - that I might ever desire similar moments of tenderness with anyone else.  I know it is time to let go.

There was one night during the "negotiating" phase of our breakup when we sat in the living room and you surprised me by playing John Mayer's Continuum cd - which you had just purchased on iTunes - for me.  Earlier that week we had an argument about how I felt you were always critical of the things I loved - and you seized an opportunity to show me that you cared about the music I loved even if you didn't like it as much, you were willing to experience it with me.  Thank you for doing that.

I'm sorry it took me so long to get over you.  I'm sorry that it placed even MORE strain on our difficult parenting relationship.  But I am better now.

 

 A lot has changed since I originally wrote this over 6 months ago.  I have decided to leave the post alone for the most part, except to add that I really DID find writing this therapeutic and I really HAVE moved on, healed, gotten better and gotten over you.  I do still appreciate everything you have done and continue to do for the children - they adore you and I thank you.    I no longer suffer the pangs of regret and sadness I wrote about above - and for that I am grateful and at peace.  I have completely new and not altogether dissimilar moments of tenderness with my new love, but that neither negates nor diminishes what you and I shared.  And I am so grateful for what we had because it helped to make me who I am today - and I am so very loved and so very happy just as I am.  

This is a photo of my friend, Evan, a.k.a. "Evan, the Norse God of EVERYTHING" I'm not sure what exactly he thinks he is doing to that cloud formation - perhaps he CREATED IT - being the Norse GOD OF EVERYTHING, that is certainly not outside the realm of possibility.  Oh, how I love me some Evan.  That silly bastard.

Evan recently moved to San Diego.  For this, I hate him.  Of course, I don't REALLY hate him - I just - well - I DESPISE him for calling my attention to the gaping wound in my heart where he once so comfortably fit.  Sure, we're still friends and junk, but, I can no longer fondle his triceps, and "accidentally" rub my breasts against him when I pass by.  Nor can I be the lone person in a silent room of dimwits laughing at his jokes when no one else understands them.  For these reasons and so many more, I am sad today, missing him.  My Norse-God-Evan.  O, Evan, where art thou?   And this one's for you, Ev. 

My newest celebrity crush and it was pre-Speed Racer, I'll have you know - Into the Wild - he is BRILLIANT in that.

 

This is Emile Hirsch.  Perhaps you have heard of him?  No?  Well, look him up.  He's going to be HUGE in Hollywood.

 

He's over 18.  So. You can shut up about how sick it is that I am old enough to be his mom.  Like I care.  Look at him.  THAT is one fine specimen of manly, sexy goodness.  Wow.  Now - don't get me wrong - if it came right down to it, in REAL life -

and I had to choose between this young pup and the man of my dreams, Lee Lewis, Esq. (pictured at right),  I'm going with the elder man of my dreams - but still - Emile Hirsch is quite yummy.  What a talent, too.  Have you seen Into the Wild?  Fantastic.  You gotta see it.

 

Anyway - it's just a celebrity crush.  My heart belongs to Mister Lee, there.  I'm his.  Game over.

 

I did take my kids to see  Speed Racer last week and it was good.  I really enjoyed it.  I used to watch the Speed Racer cartoon every day after school when I was a kid.  It was my favorite after-school down-time activity - Go, Speed Racer! Go!  The movie was cute - fun - stylish.  It was a good movie-theater experience for me and the kids.  If you have kids, I recommend it.  If you don't have kids and you FEEL like a big kid, yourself, I recommend it.  I don't have time to go into detail - it's basically one of those comic-book-type adaptation movies - done very well - slick - good CGI.  And Christina Ricci is SO hot as Trixie.  Great stuff.  I loved it.  It's not a fantastic piece of art - but it's a fun movie.  I think going to the movies should be fun - it was a FULL experience.  :)

Ten random things that make me smile:

 

1. The Killer Rabbit from Monty Python & the Holy Grail

2. The music of The Unicorns - especially this lyric:

We are the Unicorns.

We're more than just horses.

3. Putting on my favorite white blouse fresh out of the dryer

4. A full tank of petrol in my auto

5. Trader Joe's Hummus & Sea Salt Pita Chips

6. Thinking about walking barefoot on the hardwood floors in my own apartment

7. The Promise by Tracy Chapman

8. Memories of my first boyfriend, Marcus

9. Reconnecting with old girlfriends from high school

10. Memories of the SHORE (Jersey Shore - the Atlantic Ocean - Stone Harbor, specifically, Ocean City and Cape May, too!)

 

 

Remembering

Your touch

Your kiss

Your warm embrace

I'll find my way

Back to you

Please say

You'll be waiting.

...

Say you'll hold

A place

For me

In your heart.

 

 

I feel like dancing.  How long has it been since I felt like dancing?  Such a very long time.  Now, wait!  Don't fall down - in fact - are you sitting down?  Take a seat, if you're not already sitting down - which - why wouldn't you be - you are reading my blog - well, maybe you're on the metro and you are checking your Vox neighborhood posts on your Blackberry - if that's the case - sit on the lap of the old lady for whom you just gave up your seat before you read any further...

I'm not happy because I have a new man in my life.
I'm not in the mood to dance because I found new love.
I'm not giddy over some romantic notion or gesture I received.

I feel like dancing because I KNOW that my life is on the upswing.  I feel like celebrating because I have CONFIDENCE that everything is about to be SO GOOD that I will be beside myself with joy and elation. 

Now, this is news - because - usually, I require some kind of romance which involves partnership with a man in my life in order to feel THIS good - but that is not the case.  I feel this is a step in the right direction.  I feel almost grown-up.  No, really!  It sounds a little crazy to me - but - it's actually surprisingly SANE - all of this.  Phew.  What a good feeling.

Of course, now that I've gone and said this has nothing to do with a silly ol' MAN... I gotta ruin that - not retracting it - but - you know - I feel like it's even POSSIBLE I could have the beginnings of an actual relationship with a man - an amazing, intelligent, handsome, sensuous, exciting, compassionate, sweet, funny (very funny) and THRILLING man - EXTRAORDINARY - like no one I've ever met in my life.  I am so so so floored by this person that I have to wonder what it was about me that got the attention of God to send someone into my life who is so perfect for me in every way that it makes me cry to think about how happy I would be to have him in my life.  I hope he is part of my life for a very, very, very long time - in any shape that the relationship takes - I am grateful to have him in my life. 

When I was sixteen I met Marcus at a weekend church retreat.  The first time I saw him he was wearing an ivory fisherman's sweater, wide-wale corduroys, dockside loafers with the soles flapping off the bottoms and a pair of small, round tortoise shell-framed glasses.  It was January 1987 and I had never kissed a boy.  Marcus carried a Bible with him everywhere he went - the leather cover well-worn from the frequent touch of his hands.  Marcus and I smiled at one another and I whispered to my friends about how I thought he was so cute and so mysterious.  He was different from all of the boys in my high school.  He was dark-skinned, dark-eyed, long-black and golden hair (he had streaks of gold in his dark, dark brown hair.)  When he smiled, his teeth shone white against the contrast of his brown face and brown-pink lips - he didn't smile often, but when he did smile and look in my direction: I could not breathe.  He was the scent of leather,  the darkness of mahogany, quiet conversations in a coffee-house - and I was candy-floss, pale pink and pop-music at full-volume in the high-school gym.  We couldn't have been more different - by all appearances - and yet - we found common ground - the way teenagers do - as we shared angst, insecurity and a desire to express ourselves, and as we both struggled to become independent from our parents.  I sat beside him on a long wooden bench in the main hall of the lodge, talking until long after our friends all fell asleep upstairs in the dormitory bunks.  As we talked with one another our knees would occasionally touch - sometimes for just a moment, and sometimes, intentionally, for a few long minutes - until we could feel the warmth of one another's skin through our clothes.  We never dared to hold hands - both of us very shy and inexperienced in these types of boy-girl interactions.  Although I appeared calm, I felt like every inch of my body was trembling.  After we parted that night, I don't think I slept for more than a few minutes - but in the morning I found myself energized and thrilled to face a new day.  We spent most of the day sledding and ice-skating; sliding down the side of a mountain on giant tractor-wheel inner-tubes.  I dreaded Sunday afternoon - knowing that we would not see one another for quite some time - though this recurring thought made no sense to me - I did feel it, nevertheless - and sharply so.  We each belonged to similar churches - Independent Bible Chapels - but his home and church were on the other side of the river - about 100 miles from my home and church.  We had some friends in common - from summer camps and other church retreats.  By Saturday evening we were talking about when we might have the opportunity to see one another again - and by Sunday when we said goodbye our friends were talking and conspiring to see us together again.  Marcus and I vowed to write letters to one another.

I got my first letter from him (written on yellow paper and folded into a yellow envelope) in the middle of the week - just a few days after we met.  I read it at least a hundred times.  I laid on my pink shag carpet in my bedroom and read it over and over and over again.  That same letter is in a box of all the letters we exchanged over a 4 year period - and the envelope is barely holding together, the pages thinned from reading the letter so many times.

Two weeks after our first meeting, Marcus found a ride to my hometown and he showed up at the pizza place where my friends and I hung out on Friday night.  We embraced and I squealed with delight over seeing him.  He put quarters in the juke box and played "American Pie" by Don McLean.  A while later, when I had to go home and we had to say goodnight, he walked outside with me and told me to reach into the pocket of his jacket - there was a cassette tape with a white piece of paper wrapped around it - on the paper he had written, "A token of my insanity."  We had decided that "love" was "insane" so that was his way of telling me that he was feeling insane for me.  Ha ha.  What a gem, that Marcus.  And that's how he spoiled me forever and I have a hard time imagining I'll ever "fall in love" with anyone the way I did with him - but - I think I should stop thinking that way.  Anything is possible, right?  

I know that I am energy.  I must flow.  There is no room for ego.  I am a paradox.  I appear in a body with form - but I have no beginning and no end.  I am choosing to be connected; to be in harmony and in concert with God/Spirit/Source Energy or whatever you want to call it. 

I MUST BE WHAT I CAN BE.  

All that I want to "accomplish" - it is falling into place.  My level of awareness is no longer ordinary.  I am in harmony.  Everything is coming into my life and every ONE is coming into my life as the Universe has intended. 

Most of all, though, I am LOVE.  And I feel beautiful. 

In a moment

Everything can change

Feel the wind on your shoulders

For a minute, all the world can wait

Let go of your yesterday.

 

Can you hear it calling?

Can you feel it in your soul?

Can you trust this longing?

Then, take control!

Fly!

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away.

You can shine!

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

and start to try,

'Cause it's your time -

Time to fly!

 

All your worries-

leave them somewhere else

Find a dream you can follow

Reach for something

When there's nothing left

and the world's feeling hollow.

 

Can you hear it calling?

Can you feel it in your soul?

Can you trust this longing?

Then, take control!

Fly!

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away.

You can shine!

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

and start to try,

'Cause it's your time -

Time to fly!

 

And when you're down and feeling low -

and you just wanna walk away -

trust yourself and don't give up.

You know you're better than anyone else

 

In a moment

Everything can change

Feel the wind on your shoulder

For a minute

All the world can wait

Let go of yesterday

FLY!

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away.

You can SHINE!

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

And start to try.

It's your time -

Time to fly.

 

In a moment - everything can change.