9 posts tagged “music”

 

 

Dear Father of my children, Man with whom I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life - you know who you are -

 

I know you sometimes read my blog, here.  That's okay.  I stopped minding that a while ago.  I appreciate that you do not attempt to discuss with me anything you have read here over the past 2 years.  I know you know how I feel about that.  You know that I need outlets and that I like getting feedback from my scattered internets friends - so making everything here private is not an easy thing for me to do - though I have done that with the writing that could stir controversey on a personal level between us.  I keep a lot of things to myself, as well.  I practice this moreso now than ever - and you know me better than anyone on the planet, so I know you are aware of how difficult a thing that is for me to do. 

 

So, today I'm actually writing this because I want you to read these words.  These words (and this song) are for you...

 

I stopped believing that any kind of reconciliation would be possible for us quite some time ago.  I know you have moved on.  You have been in a relationship with someone else for some time.  Yet, somehow I never really managed to let go. 

 

You're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go - the one thing I know is that you're keeping me down - you're keeping me down. 

 

This time of year is always difficult for me.  I can't help but think about our last few weeks together.  That early Spring morning when it was frigid and snowing and we made our last trip to the market together.  I think I cried in every aisle of the store as you pushed the cart, the kids riding and getting buried in the basket under the items you took from the shelves.  I remember that day with such palpable, breathtaking accuracy - it hurts sharply.  Makes me wish my memory was not so vivid.  

 

The truth is that I am so broken - two years after the end of our relationship, I feel no more healed than I did when it was fresh - in fact, I think I feel less capable and less healthy; more lonely and in more pain. 

 

I will always be grateful to you for being the foundation of love and care and stability for the children that you are.  You are stronger than I ever hoped you could be.   I did not believe I could recover from it.  When I dream that we are still living in our home at La Luz and I wake up alone in a hotel room and see the photo frames of the children on the desk across the room, I feel like I can't breathe.  My heart stops and I pray for sleep to return so that I can go back into the dream where we are all together; in our home on a summer morning, flitting around the kitchen laughing and smiling, listening to music, washing dishes, planning an afternoon poolside and looking forward to an evening alone together after the kids fall asleep; sitting on the back patio under the stars enjoying a drink together, both of us barefoot.  I can still feel the warm skin of your forearm where I used to stroke it and make you smile.  You always smiled and said, "I love your touch."

It was so difficult - and once felt impossible - that I might ever desire similar moments of tenderness with anyone else.  I know it is time to let go.

There was one night during the "negotiating" phase of our breakup when we sat in the living room and you surprised me by playing John Mayer's Continuum cd - which you had just purchased on iTunes - for me.  Earlier that week we had an argument about how I felt you were always critical of the things I loved - and you seized an opportunity to show me that you cared about the music I loved even if you didn't like it as much, you were willing to experience it with me.  Thank you for doing that.

I'm sorry it took me so long to get over you.  I'm sorry that it placed even MORE strain on our difficult parenting relationship.  But I am better now.

 

 A lot has changed since I originally wrote this over 6 months ago.  I have decided to leave the post alone for the most part, except to add that I really DID find writing this therapeutic and I really HAVE moved on, healed, gotten better and gotten over you.  I do still appreciate everything you have done and continue to do for the children - they adore you and I thank you.    I no longer suffer the pangs of regret and sadness I wrote about above - and for that I am grateful and at peace.  I have completely new and not altogether dissimilar moments of tenderness with my new love, but that neither negates nor diminishes what you and I shared.  And I am so grateful for what we had because it helped to make me who I am today - and I am so very loved and so very happy just as I am.  

This new Chris Brown song makes me HAPPY.

I heard this song last week at Karaoke. 

New Karaoke DJ is WAY FUN.  He is hilarious, in my humble opinion.

When I heard this song I thought it was a Ben Folds deal - but I was thinking of "Bitches Ain't Shit," which is freakin' awesome...So you can have that one, too - because it's Monday and everyone needs a little giggle-break on a Monday, I think.

 

 

You know what I love about Ben Folds?  I mean, besides his great voice and incredible musical talent, that is...  It's that he is so flippin' white and he has some serious brass ones to do this song as a nerdy white boy.  It's REALLY funny. 

 

Anyway - I just love BOTH of these songs.  They really bring me up when I'm not feelin' it.  Since it's Monday, I needed a little extra dose of the funny. 

 

 

Ten random things that make me smile:

 

1. The Killer Rabbit from Monty Python & the Holy Grail

2. The music of The Unicorns - especially this lyric:

We are the Unicorns.

We're more than just horses.

3. Putting on my favorite white blouse fresh out of the dryer

4. A full tank of petrol in my auto

5. Trader Joe's Hummus & Sea Salt Pita Chips

6. Thinking about walking barefoot on the hardwood floors in my own apartment

7. The Promise by Tracy Chapman

8. Memories of my first boyfriend, Marcus

9. Reconnecting with old girlfriends from high school

10. Memories of the SHORE (Jersey Shore - the Atlantic Ocean - Stone Harbor, specifically, Ocean City and Cape May, too!)

 

 

Remembering

Your touch

Your kiss

Your warm embrace

I'll find my way

Back to you

Please say

You'll be waiting.

...

Say you'll hold

A place

For me

In your heart.

 

 

The Housemartins.

Who remembers THE HOUSEMARTINS?  Am I the single surviving fan of THE HOUSEMARTINS??  Come on!!  Seriously??  It can't be true.  Oh how I loved the Housemartins back in the day.  I wore out at least 2 copies of  London 0 Hull 4 cassette tapes.  I had it on Vinyl, as well.  I wish my dad hadn't sold all of my records at the estate sale he had after my mom died in 1995.  Sitting on a Fence is nice, but, the ULTIMATE Housemartin's single is...

Build.  I miss fun music like this.  I feel like there is very little original-sounding, fun music out there anymore.  Of course, that is just me sounding like a silly old lady from the eighties, now, isn't it?  Gah.  I'm so lame.

 

 Also - here, boys and girls, have some XTC. 

It will be good for you me:

Tell me what do you say?! 

I SAIY...Dude that is one wicked-bad bowl-cut hairstyle.  Like, OH-mi-god, seriously!

So, I'm listening to Hawke's radio broadcast and I am now feeling like staying even LATER at work just to hear what is coming up - but - I sha'n't as I want to get home and see my new housemates, Sven and Helga and hear all about their adventures in 'Burque. 

 

I will add more to this post later.  Especially if I get what I think I'm going to get when I get home tonight!  WOOT!

This is for Hawke. 

Dead Can Dance are his favorite.

This is my favorite song of theirs, that I know of.  I'm sure if I was to take some time and listen to some more of their music, more than I experienced myself in my younger days, I might find a new favorite - but this is the one that strikes me most from my memory of listening to them when I was younger. 

xoxo

Lara

And again I wish you all a very Happy Horny Werewolf Day. 

 

And this is my Valentine to myself. 

This Poe song has always gotten to me in such a special way.  If you understand this - then you "get" me.

Here are the lyrics, so that you, too, can sing along.  I always sing along to this one.

 

 

CONTROL by poe

Don't you mess with a little girl's dream
'Cause she's liable to grow up mean

Surprised you to find that I'm laughing?
You thought that you'd find me in tears
You thought I'd be crawling the walls
Like a tiny mosquito and trembling in fear

Well you may be king for the moment
But I am a queen understand
And I've got your pawns and your bishops
And castles
All inside the palm of my hand

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control
Now I have taken control
...CONTROL
Now I have taken control
...CONTROL
NOW I HAVE TAKEN CONTROL
...CONTROL

This is beginning to feel good
Watching you squirm in your shoes
A small bead of sweat on your brow
And a growl in your belly you're scared to let
through

You thought you could keep me from loving
You thought you could feed on my soul
But while you were busy destroying my life
What was half in me has become whole

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control
Now I have taken control
...CONTROL
Now I have taken control
...CONTROL
NOW I HAVE TAKEN CONTROL
...CONTROL

So this is how it feels
To breath in the summer air
To feel the sand between my toes
And love inside my ear
All those things that you taught me to fear
I've got them in my garden now
And YOU'RE not welcome here

COME HERE
Come a little bit closer
Let me look at you
I gave you the benefit
Of the doubt it's true
But keep in mind my darling
Not every saint is a fool

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control
Now I have taken control
I WAS TAKING CONTROL
Now I have taken control
...CONTROL

Don't you mess with me.

Father: THIS CANNOT BE ALL THAT THERE IS to life
than this, because in our
confrontation with AN ENORMOUS AND cold universe,
there is something comical
to the idea that we can really impose our will on
humanity. Power corrupts.

IT'S YOUR WORLD. DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WANT.
NO, THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO DO IT.
POWER...
THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO DO IT.
PARADOX.
NO.
IT'S YOUR WORLD...
NO.
IT'S YOUR WORLD...
NO.
IT'S YOUR WORLD...
NO.

Daughter :
IT'S scaring me

Father and daughter 2:

Daughter (singing): I live at the end of a five and
half minute hallway.
I LIVE AT THE END OF A FIVE AND A HALF MINUTE
HALLWAY.

Father:
And at the end of it all lies of course the final
phenomenon of deterioration--entropy--which is a
predictable
DETERIORATION WHEN the creative ENERGY ceases:
everything has to fall apart.

Daughter:
Why are you always so serious?!

In a moment

Everything can change

Feel the wind on your shoulders

For a minute, all the world can wait

Let go of your yesterday.

 

Can you hear it calling?

Can you feel it in your soul?

Can you trust this longing?

Then, take control!

Fly!

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away.

You can shine!

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

and start to try,

'Cause it's your time -

Time to fly!

 

All your worries-

leave them somewhere else

Find a dream you can follow

Reach for something

When there's nothing left

and the world's feeling hollow.

 

Can you hear it calling?

Can you feel it in your soul?

Can you trust this longing?

Then, take control!

Fly!

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away.

You can shine!

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

and start to try,

'Cause it's your time -

Time to fly!

 

And when you're down and feeling low -

and you just wanna walk away -

trust yourself and don't give up.

You know you're better than anyone else

 

In a moment

Everything can change

Feel the wind on your shoulder

For a minute

All the world can wait

Let go of yesterday

FLY!

Open up the part of you that wants to hide away.

You can SHINE!

Forget about the reasons why you can't in life

And start to try.

It's your time -

Time to fly.

 

In a moment - everything can change.